I’m angry this morning. In fact, I’ve been angry for the past couple of days. So much so that I have barely been able to think straight. And again, it’s because of ignorant personalities in AA (Alcoholics Anonymous). Specifically the way they misinterpret and twist the literature — and then misbehave in the name of “program.” Namely when it comes to “sponsorship.”

Let me start by saying that the word “sponsor” does not appear in the Big Book. It simply states that we work with a “closed-mouth friend.” One alcoholic sharing their experience, strength and hope with another in the spirit of strengthening someone else’s sobriety. I, myself, choose not to use the word “sponsor” with the women I work with in the program. Why? Because to me the words “sponsor” and “sponsee” imply a hierarchical relationship that shouldn’t exist between us.

When a woman in the program asks to work with me, I start by saying that we are embarking on a partnership. One where there is open communication and equality between us. If ever I make a suggestion that they find silly, or that makes them uncomfortable, I expect them to tell me. To push back and make those feelings known so that we can find a better solution together. I also encourage them to start networking with other women in the program.

Why? Because I’m not always going to have the answers they seek (i.e. someone else might have a more appropriate solution, or knowledge that I do not possess). Nor am I always going to be available at the moment they may need someone to talk to.

I also emphasize that I am not a medical professional, nor a board certified therapist. As such, there are most likely going to be issues we encounter that I am not equipped to handle. From the outset, I share that therapy and/or counseling cannot hurt in the recovery process. I highly encourage those who have the means to seek it to do exactly that.

And, if they have problems and/or issues that I feel are within the scope of the mental health field, I make damn sure to tell them that. (If, for instance, a woman I’m working with tells me that she feels suicidal I make every effort to get in touch with community resources that can assist with that.)

You’re Crazy; I’m Crazy… It Doesn’t Make Us Psychiatrists

One of the major issues that complicates “sponsorship” is when sponsors start acting like medical professionals when they’re anything but.

A former friend of mine in the program used to tell me that she sought out newcomers with mental health issues because her own mental health issues made her uniquely qualified to understand where they were coming from. Sigrid believed that because she had multiple diagnoses, she had insight into the issues that others with multiple diagnoses experienced.

At face value, this might seem to make sense; but, here’s where it gets dicey…

I later found out that Sigrid believed that by working through the twelve-steps one could “free themselves from the burden of mental health medications.” She also eventually shared with me that her mental health issues were self-diagnosed. (It seems that this has become a thing in society. Mental health conditions are like any other medical conditions and should never be self-diagnosed. Would you diagnose yourself with diabetes or cancer?!)

Over a couple of years, I watched her talk several women into coming off their mental health medications. Often, shortly after this occurred, these women would relapse. And Sigrid, baffled, would say to me, “I just don’t understand why this continues to happen!”

Finally, I said to her, “Perhaps it’s because you’re encouraging them to come off medication that they desperately need and then they go back to self-medicating in unhealthy ways.”

Needless to say, our friendship started to wither after that particular conversation; but I do know that she continues to “sponsor” in exactly the same manner — often with the same disastrous results.

Sometimes It’s a Matter of Life and Death

Shortly before Thanksgiving a friend of mine — Raquel — died from a massive coronary attack. It was unexpected and left me reeling.

Her sister, Amy, called me after her memorial service and shared some very kind and comforting words. Words that Raquel had written in her journal about me. Since then, Amy and I have spoken several times about various other things.

Then, early last week, Amy called to inform me that while reading the autopsy report she had learned that Raquel had stopped taking her Propranolol — a beta-blocker that was being used to treat her heart condition. When Amy learned of this, she went to see Raquel’s physician who explained that this was most likely a leading cause in Raquel’s death.

“Why would she have stopped taking that medication?!” she cried over the phone. And I admitted that I had no reasonable response to this inquiry.

However, on Friday morning, Amy called again to say that she had found the answer. Raquel had written it down in her journal.

It seems that Raquel’s sponsor, upon visiting Raquel’s home, happened across the prescription bottle and asked Raquel why she was taking the medication. When my friend explained that it was for her heart condition, her sponsor informed her that it was not a beta-blocker but a mental health medication — one that she herself took for anxiety and night terrors. (These are off-label uses for Propranolol.) She suggested that Raquel’s doctor had “tricked her” into taking an anxiety medication by telling her it was for her heart. Raquel — who was staunchly against taking mental health medications — then made the decision to stop taking her Propranolol, fearing that her sponsor was correct.

While I understand that this was ultimately Raquel’s decision, and she should have spoken to her physician before making such a drastic choice, this is the kind of bullshit I’m talking about. Her sponsor was not a medical professional, did not have all of the proper information regarding the medication, and gave ignorant advice to my friend that had catastrophic consequences.

As a result, Amy and I are both furious with her sponsor for being so careless and, quite frankly, reckless.

I AM Sober, Ya’ Ignorant F*cks!

One of the other things that “sponsors” like to do is define others’ sobriety for them. This is dangerous for a number of reasons. Chief among them being that there are those in the rooms that believe you are not sober if you are taking mental health medications. (And here is an AA pamphlet — “Medications & Other Drugs” — that states otherwise.)

Their justification for this is that “mental health medications alter your brain chemistry just like alcohol does.” Uh… no. It doesn’t, ya’ ignorant fucks.

No one would argue that I wasn’t sober if I took insulin to treat my diabetes, and taking medication to treat my mental health disorders is the same damn fucking thing.

Without my mental health medications, I become a highly impulsive, brooding, suicidal mess of a person. I also self-medicate with alcohol and illicit drugs. I cannot function in normal society because I’m too busy blacking out and getting high as a goddam kite. My mental health medications do not have these same effects. They balance my brain chemistry so that I am able to function like a normal person. When I’m on them, I am a functioning member of society who can positively contribute in my professional and personal life. I can’t say the same when I’m using.

There are also those that would argue that I’m not sober because I’m currently undergoing ketamine therapy; and to them I say, “Fucking bite me.”

First off, I was prescribed this medication by my psychiatrist. I go to his office and am administered the drug under his care.

Second, I’m not taking ketamine recreationally for shits and giggles. I measured the weight of this decision carefully with my medical team — and my husband — before embarking on the treatment. We ultimately decided to do it because my depression had become so great that it was hindering my ability to be that productive, functioning, normal person that I had worked so hard to become in my sobriety — and feared that I was headed down another dark road that may lead to a relapse in my recovery.

Third, I don’t let anyone else define my sobriety. I never have (see my other post about folks trying to tell me my sobriety is “less than” because of the whole God thing) and I’m not about to start now.

The Outliers

Most of the women that I end up working with are those who have tried working with other “sponsors” before and have had little or no success in the program. Or, they’ve managed to stay sober in spite of the negative experiences they’ve had and just want someone to work with that will take them through the steps in a positive, understanding manner.

I have no problem working with those who are using marijuana medicinally. I take no issue with those who are undergoing methadone treatment. Don’t believe in God? Neither do I. Do believe in God? Okay, I can work with that.

H.O.W. we are supposed to work this program is with honesty, an open-mind, and willingness.

The horror stories I hear from the women who end up in my sobriety universe piss me off to no end.

They feel they haven’t been able to be honest with former sponsors for fear of judgement. They’ve been told they’re not sober for one stupid reason or another. Some have been forced to relive sexual abuse and/or trauma on their fourth step. Others have been kicked to the curb when refusing to pray or attend church. A few have been treated as slaves — made to clean their sponsor’s houses in the name of “service.” Still others have been turned into customers — been asked to pay for sponsorship.

To be clear: NONE of these things are acceptable and ALL go against our principles and traditions in Alcoholics Anonymous.

Be Mindful

Also. this should be obvious, but it deserves stating: The rooms in AA are not filled with the healthiest, most stable people on the planet. In fact, some of them are downright con-artists. (Sadly, I’ve been taken by a few myself.)

And, as addicts, we are usually drawn to chaos. When we’re new in sobriety — especially — we’re often drawn to familiar chaos. My first couple of sponsors were a LOT like my mother. Now, years into my sobriety — and with the help of my mental health care providers — I’m able to recognize, and avoid, those toxic patterns.

If you find yourself in an AA relationship that makes you at all uncomfortable, walk away from it.

Sponsors should not be giving advice on what mental health care you accept and/or decline. We don’t have the expertise to advise you on what medications you should or should not be taking. They should never be involved in your finances. No one has a right to define your sobriety except for you.

And, I cannot emphasize this enough, you should absolutely not feel like a subordinate in your sponsor-sponsee situation. It is meant to be a partnership that uplifts you and enhances your recovery experience. If it feels like a burden, or makes you want to avoid the rooms, something has gone desperately awry.

My hope — whether you are new to sobriety, or still working a program years into it — is that you are surrounded by people who see the light in you and have no desire what-so-ever to extinguish it.

Burn bright and don’t let anyone or anything steal your joy. Your life just might depend upon it.